All posts by Folami Prehaye

About VOIC

I set up this site to share my journey about being a victim of Image Based Sexual Abuse; my aim to empower other people who have experienced the same: To share with them that they were’not alone’ and that you can take back your power by speaking your truths. For me this was one of the ways I could ‘self counsel’ to help heal my spirit and make a difference. I felt the need to provide a common safe place for experiencers (victims) to share their journey, access support and discuss and share common feelings without being judged… Read More

The Invisible Crutch – Long Term Emotional Support

Long after content has been removed that emotional element of having your most intimate images shared for all and sundry to view and comment on cuts deep!

Those emotional scars that keep you awake at night, that continue to play out in your mind like a film reel being continuously rewound  and played over and over again, is the beginning of most experiencer’s (victim) nightmare.  I tell you this experience can be very torturous for some as it plays between a ‘nightmare’ and  a ‘daymare’ and can consume your day-to-day life.

There is definitely a need for ‘long term’ emotional support and it is becoming more and more apparent how important this is, in aiding a person’s road to emotional recovery and enabling them to take back their power’. Having experienced this heinous, spineless, gut wrenching, emotionally destructive crime I can ‘hold my hands up’ and say how hard at times it’s been for me – each day presenting something different and analyzing every element of your experience, self victimising, self blaming and self loathing.

If I had someone who understood what I was experiencing, what  I was feeling and how numb inside I felt, maybe I wouldn’t have set up the VOIC platform – who knows, but I definitely would have welcomed a ‘non-judgmental’ listening ear and a platform of voices that helped me through my tough days.

I didn’t have that emotional support crutch back in 2014

This quote sums it up for me:

You never really understand a person until you consider things from his/her point of view - until you climb into his/her skin and walk around in it [To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee]

Long term emotional support is an invisible but much needed resource – for some strange reason no one seems to understand how this ‘invisible light of support’, for many is a ‘life line’; a light at the end of a very dark tunnel; a spotlight in the dark or even a beacon of light. I set up victims of image crime (VOIC) for that very reason – to be able to help and make a difference, because it makes a difference to me, it helps my healing and my mental and spiritual journey to ‘taking back my power’ and my dignity.

The last 6 years I have truly come a long way and so have many others. It is time for change, we need more collaborative collective discussions that include talking about the ‘long term emotional affects’ image based sexual abuse has on experiencers.

Abuse not Revenge

Whilst reflecting on the last 6 years, how far I have come and how the term ‘revenge porn’ has tainted mine and many others who have experienced this form of ‘new age technology abuse’. Our strive as experiencers to ‘heal from the trauma’ of intentional deception of former partners or worse unknown others, it is apparent now more than ever that the term ‘revenge porn’ does not fit the crime and seriously points a finger to experiencers, ultimately negating the effects of the intent of the perpetrator to cause distress and harm.

Revenge – The action of hurting or harming someone in return for an injury or wrong suffered at their hands.

Pornography – Printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity intended to stimulate sexual excitement.

So by continuing to use the term ‘revenge pornography’ it is stating that the perpetrator felt the need to intentionally share without consent sexually explicit content because they were wronged and shared the content intentionally to stimulate sexual excitement? One has to ask – did they share for their sexual excitement or to arouse others to be excited sexually or both?

Either way the term only promotes public scrutiny, finger pointing/blaming and the undoubted questioning of ‘what you may have done to provoke such a heinous, callous and cruel act’.

One experiencer that I have supported said:

The term ‘revenge porn’ is one of the things that upsets her a lot as it instantly makes victims feel seedy, when sometimes the photos may not be. It has caused me to have panic attacks.

Just like this experiencer I also found the term very onerous, especially when questioned by someone as to what happened or explaining what the term means. It is definitely a horrible feeling that leaves a huge stigma on your mental health from a personal perspective. You go through stages of painful self blaming, you are disgusted at how you managed to allow this to happen to you and constantly beat yourself up by telling yourself how could you be so stupid.

Image Based Sexual Abuse is like online rape and by rape I refer to the acronym:

Repetitively And Purposely Exposed

The intention of the perpetrator is  to cause harm not only by them but by others. I recollect reading the numerous ‘splurtacion of vileness’ when I came across the porn site that my ex uploaded my photographs to. Yep! Porn Hub was one of those sites.  I felt sick to my stomach how people who didn’t know me had described how and what they wanted to do to me in such a sexually explicit way – I felt repeatedly sexually exploited, exposed and violated.

It is important NOW more than ever that we remove the stigma of ‘REVENGE’ and ‘PORN’ as the crime is simply  ABUSE USING SEXUAL IMAGES. We must now refer to what it is IMAGE BASED SEXUAL ABUSE (IBSA). All those who provide support to experiencer’s should remove the negative connotation going forward and acknowledge the crime for what it is.

It all helps to ‘change the narrative’ and change is needed NOW.

It’s time for real change – less talk and more action

It’s time to change the narrative!

Taking nude photos isn’t a crime, it is most definitely without a doubt the sharing of sexual images without your consent that is the crime. Why cant others understand this. I talk through the mouth of someone who has and for others whom have also experienced Image Based Sexual Abuse (Revenge Porn) and quite frankly I am tired of trying to make sense out of nonsense, although for my sins I will continue to try in order to bring about change.

Current UK law states:

You need to prove intentso what the law is technically saying is that someone who shares an explicit or sexual image of you without your consent has done so for a laugh! Oh sorry your honour I did it for the fun of it.

To prove the sharing of the explicit or sexual image without consent was done so to cause distress and harmforgive me if I am stupid but who the hell would not be affected emotionally and mentally if an explicit sexual image of them was shared for all and sundry to see and comment on?

The current UK law doesn’t automatically give experiencers (victims) the rightEmotional Turmoil - Folami Prehaye of ‘anonymity’ which is why in most cases your entire experience is continually perpetrated by the media and social platforms. This to me only perpetuates the continuous cycle of distress and harm (photo ‘Emotional Turmoil’) and possibly on a wider platform, as we all know sex sells and feeds the minds of the uneducated.

 

The local newspaper in my town printed my name, how many times my images were viewed on the internet (around 48,000 or there about’s) and they also had online visibility!

Is there then no wonder that public inquisitivity then thought it was okay to then repost, reshare and look for those images on different platforms that then caused further stress – by the way all of this could have been avoided if those that initiated the current ‘Revenge Porn Law’  thought about repercussions for the experiener (victim),  instead of ensuring the perpetrator was protected.

I have worked with the Law Commission on Phase 1 of their review on current sexual related crimes and whether they are fit for purpose – it will be interesting to see what happens in Phase 2 – which will be taking place very shortly.

It’s time to change the narrative – let us see how seriously the concerns and views of experiencers (victims), researchers and campaigners for change are taken on board when undertaking the review. I will not rest until I see ‘proper productive, informative, constructive change’…..

 

Love Death & Taxes – Image Based Sexual Abuse Within The LGBTQ Community

That moment when you feel proud of your achievements as you watch someone you have supported stand up and speak their truths in front of complete strangers.

It’s been a long journey and one that has felt really lonely as well as doubting your ability to make a difference and yet still there I was sitting next to David Canham as he spoke so openly and emotionally about his experience of being violated, shamed and broken down to the core of the non-consensual sharing of intimate sexual images of him at the Love, Death & Taxes event organised by Mishcon de Reya LLP and the Gay Women’s Network on the 23rd October 2019.

David’s story mirrors mine and many other experiencers regarding the long-term emotional turmoil that follows the experience and the long-term rehabilitation of self thereafter. I felt overwhelmed by the experience of being able to support another where this wasn’t available to me 5 years ago. I felt accomplished, proud, tearful but humbled at the same time but most of all it felt right.

I found out like many others who attended the event the depth of the intricate layers that the LGBTQ community has. David shared very deep personal attributes to his experience which highlighted the use of drugs within the LGBTQ community and trust me this is only one layer or many. It is clear that there is a need for signposting and general emotional support but there is also much more that needs to be done, to understand the layers in order to ascertain the support that is needed. The event for me as the founder of VOIC was to connect with those within the LGBTQ community that can help to make a difference. To help break barriers, stereotypes and acknowledge that Image Based Sexual Abuse (Revenge Porn) happens in all communities and that they are not immune.

Throughout my journey I have always said that I’ve found it hard at times as a woman; more to the point a Black woman speaking openly about my experience although at the time I felt this was my only option to try and make sense of what happened and used it as a coping mechanism to taking back my power. I have always said that speaking out will be hard for a male to follow suite.

On the 23rd October 2019, David Canham spoke his truths and made a difference not only to him but also to me and all the other people that attentively and emotionally listened to what was said. It was humbling. David’s personal thoughts about the event can be viewed here. The other panel members Professor Erika Rackley (Law School, Kent University) and Sophie Mortimer (Manager, Revenge Porn Helpline) both complemented David’s personal journey and reiterated the need for the LGBTQ community to speak out about Image Based Sexual Abuse, they both made referenced the gaps in services specifically catering for that community and the importance of raising awareness.

You know, there are so many social norms that are unacceptable and I commend David for holding his own and taking that step to stand up and speak out. The LGBTQ community is one of many marginalised and hard to reach communities that have lots of intricate layers. We need a breakthrough in order to get to the nitty gritty of the impact, experience, doubt, non-acceptance of image based sexual abuse before we can educate and signpost.

I aim to make a difference with those that took the time to connect with myself and David at the event, as I am a great believer that together ‘we can make a difference’.

Changing Perceptions & Expectations of Others

The 1 July 2019 was a truly momentous and memorable day as it saw the launch of a very significant and pertinent report/research.

Shattering Lives and Myths – A Report on Image Based Sexual Abuse

This very detailed and inclusive report was undertaken by Prof Clare McGlynn, Durham University, Prof Erika Rackley, University of Kent & Asst Prof Kelly Johnson, Durham University. It highlighted all the key recommendations to Parliament in respect of the changes to the current law provision that need to be put in place in relation to online sexual abuse and sharing of explicit content without consent (a form of abuse). 

The lead up to the launch was for me as usual busy with media requests, which honestly has been a part of my journey for the last 5 years. There have been so many occasions when I have ‘swore,  screamed and cried’ at some of the outcomes of interviews but the interview done with Channel 5 News captured exactly how it should be done.

Channel 5 News Interview – Online Abuse Review Launch June 2019

The launch was a crucial milestone for victims, activist, researchers and supporters for changes that can only be of benefit to those made to feel like they have done something wrong. To read the full report visit my post Shattering Myths about Image Based Sexual Abuse – Clare McGlynn, Erika Rackley and Kelly Johnson

It’s about time the laws reflected the voice of the victim and not the actions of the perpetrator/accused. I am ready for change and will continue working collaboratively with those who share the same vision and finding creative ways of:

Challenging and changing perceptions/expectations of how this crime is viewed, dissected, portrayed and sensationalized

The launch was held in the House of Parliament and chaired by Maria Miller MP; attendees was a mixture of activists, support charities and victims. The questions that arose from the launch were challenging with many positive acknowledgments to the proposed changes.

There where powerful expressive emotional journey talks by others who have also experienced the cruel and disheartening crime of their sexual images being shared without consent. Listening to the impact it had on their lives brought ‘tears to mine’ it reminded me of mine and many that I have had the opportunity to support through their journey. Although saying this I was also ‘inspired’ by their fire and motivation to take back their power and to stand in a public and talk their truths.

Shattering Myths about Image Based Sexual Abuse – Clare McGlynn, Erika Rackley and Kelly Johnson

Image-based sexual abuse thrives on myths.

Myths about motives. Myths about victims. Myths about political,  legal and institutional responses.

  • It’s only a picture, you can move on … myth!
  • It’s all illegal now anyway … myth!
  • All you need to do is report it to the police and the picture will be taken down … myth!

Our report – Shattering Myths and Lives: A Report on Image-Based Sexual Abuse – drawing on 25 interviews with victim-survivors of image-based sexual abuse concentrates on the reality of this pernicious form of sexual abuse.

Image-based sexual abuse shatters lives. A significant numbers of victim-survivors experience profound ‘social rupture’ – a major devastation that drastically alters all aspects of their lives. Take, Anna (not her real name), for example:

“My whole world just crumbled … I’m nowhere near the person I once was. That’s gone and it’s rebuilding a new part of me now … It’s torture for your soul, it really is”

Victim-survivors spoke of abuse that is constant, ongoing and relentless; that shatters not only their lives, but also the lives of those who love and support them.

And yet, the Government is proposing to wait at least three years – that is until 2022 – before making changes to the law that we know now would make a dramatic difference to victim-survivors. Such as extending the law to cover so-called ‘fakeporn’ and threats to distribute nude or sexual images without consent, to provide all victim-survivors with automatic anonymity, to provide victim-survivors, and those supporting them, with resources and support to enable them to provide bespoke technical and long-term emotional support.

ACTION IS NEEDED NOW

To provide victim-survivors with increased protections, access to justice, adequate support and to prevent further lives from being shattered by this devastating form of abuse. And if the Government truly understands this, it will take action now to correct the most egregious gaps in the law, and increase support for victim-survivors.

Read the full report here

 

My Reality

I wrote this a few months ago and thought I would share it. The emotions are real!

Calming voices talk to me at night, when my eyes are closed I wander to a place where I no longer feel alone.

I stumble upon a pasture that was once green with life, whittling away dying from the cause of mindless people. You know, those people that make the world seem such a cruel place.

As I knelt amongst the pasture, I lay my head and cried because I also felt like I was whittling away and dying. I became slumped in a place where life seemed to be dark and lonely.

I close my eyes and the calming voices appear once again. I listen intentively and start to write mental notes but the tears kept on coming. The calming voices became louder to a volume where I had no choice but to listen.

Dried up tears turn to smiles and as I open my eyes and inhale, the pasture that was once whittling and dying now green with life and purpose, I no longer feel alone.

I feel safe but now know that the pasture and I have commonality and that time, patience, empathy, love and compassion will enable trust to build as the bond grows stronger.

Those calming voices I heard when my eyes closed at night and started to get louder until i had no choice but to listen, no longer just happened at night; they became my reality and I no longer feel alone

Its Abuse not Revenge Pornography – Let’s be real now!

Let’s set the record straight

Its time for a reality check and an insight into the reality of what is politically referred to as ‘Revenge Pornography’!

I can tell you first hand that the evil that was done to me was just spineless, a cruel calculated act of jealousy, done by a person that allows their emotions to control their reality, callous and vindictive it is; the way some people think they can control another person in a way that causes distress on a different level.

Well look at it this way; according to the dictionary  ‘Revenge’ means:The action of hurting or harming someone in return for an injury or wronged suffered at their hands. ‘Pornography’ means: Printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity intended to stimulate sexual excitement.

So the political incorrect term of those labelled as victims of revenge pornography in essence; refers to victims who have been hurt or harmed by someone who feels they have been wronged; so they share explicit printed or visual material that display sexual organs or sexual activity to stimulate sexual excitement.

Is this sexual excitement for the perpetrator? Sexual excitement for the victim or sexual excitement for anyone that happens to come across it?

Slightly misleading don’t you think? Professor Clare McGlynn has written a brilliant article that clearly states why the name should be changed to reflect the crime.

After all abuse whether its on or offline is ABUSE!

not-revenge-porn-but-abuse-lets-call-it-image-based-sexual-abuse-by-mcglynnclare-erikarackley

 

Don’t Suffer Alone! Stand Up Speak Out

Finally for the first time in 4 years I can honestly say I don’t feel alone on this journey. Its been a struggle but perseverance has been key.

VOIC now has a Facebook Group of victims that provide peer to peer support. If you are out there with no one to talk to and no one understands then why not join our group.

It’s a safe closed space and no one will judge you. Reach out and connect and don’t suffer alone. Just click on the poster to find our group.